Anti-Christ Activity
by TheFalseProphet666
Summary: What if all the creepy things people have filmed, spoken about, been freaked out by... Were actually all Damien doing very un-scary things? What if it was all him actually being quite comical? If there's a scene you want done, tell me what happens and I'll see what I if I can do some Conjuring (pun intended)
1. Paranormal Activity 1 (Part One)

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DAMIEN THORN OR ANY PARANORMAL/ HORROR FILMS/SCENES THAT APPEARS IN THESE ONE-SHOTS!**

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"AH! THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!" Damien yelled, looking in the full fridge to find there wasn't the thing he wanted. "... Maybe they put it in the cupboards." He thoroughly checked every cupboard for the thing he wanted. "Where is it? They didn't buy it?" The spirit of Anti-Christ angrily sat down and thumped his foot against the table. "Why? The day I want it, they don't have it! This sucks!"

He began to storm around the kitchen that was conjoined with the living room and climbed all over everything. He arranged all the pillows in a line and then a giant pile and smiled. He jumped on each cushion before leaping up in the air and falling into the deep pile of pillows with glee. He thrashed around happily against the soft fluffiness, grabbing one and burying his face into it. "I love you cushions. I love you soooo much!"

Damien's eyes began to fall shut within an hour due to the surrounding fluffiness that held him willingly in their clutches. Just as sleep began to take him over, his throat became dry and he groaned, "Mmmmmm... I'm thirsty. Lucozade! Where art thou?" He wormed his way out of the pillows, giggling happily as he made snake movements as he moved his body left and right to free himself from the pillows, noticing how nice it felt as they brushed his face. "Iz a snake. Ssssss!" He giggled happily again and stood straight up, his head whipping left and right to see if there was anywhere they could've hidden it.

A light bulb appeared above his head and he began to cackle in victory as he rubbed his hands together. "Ooohhhhh so you wanna play that way, do ya? Well, bring it on!" A plan formed in his head and he gave a low, evil chuckle, "Ehehehehe, let's play."

He ran quickly to the bottom of the stairs and slammed his foot on the first step. "This is going to be very enjoyable." He began to storm up the stairs, feet slamming on the wood with each step. A smile was on his face as he licked his lips and cackled to himself, loving every single second of this. "Daayyyuuummm, how many stairs these guys got?"

He skipped, feet heavy, along the hallway and opened the door, "Heeelllloooooo... Anyone awake?" He made his voice hear-able to the people in the room. "Hey Katie!" The woman was awake and staring fearfully at the door, unknowing at him. He silently walked over and poked her shoulder.

"Ah!"

"Whoa bitch, calm down I just want some Lucozade. Did you buy any?" He asked and she fearfully nodded, almost completely stiff with fear.

"Listen dear, I won't hurt you. There are just some things I need in the house. Everyday items..."

"Like what?"

"Ah, you have a voice! Lovely! It wouldn't be a problem if you didn't but my sign language is a wee bit rusty. Anyway, I need Lucozade and Salt & Vinegar Walkers crisps – or ready salted Pombears and Skips if there aren't any. Can I also have a toothbrush and take the spare room, the couch is soooo uncomfortable!"

"Uhhh..."

"Buy the food, and no one gets injured or severely maimed. Give me the room and I shall be very happy, you won't be hurt."

"Do you promise?"

"Only for you. I can't be too sure with your boyfriend; he annoys the c**p out of me. What do you even see in him? May I have the room?"

"You may, the Lucozade's on Mika's side of the bed."

"Eww, I have to go near him! He's touched it! It's polluted!" Damien began to flail his arms in the air with a disgusted expression, even though he hadn't made himself visible.

"He hasn't drunk any..."

"That's all good, he better not have drunk any. That shit is mine!" He stood up on the bed, turned around and walked over the bed sheets, making sure to jump on Mika's leg with all he had, effectively waking him up before jumping off the bed and grabbing the un-drunk Lucozade, running out the room and slamming the door, only Katie could hear his giggles of glee as he ran down the corridor and into his new room.

"Katie, what the fuck was that?"

"Hey! How come his curse words aren't bleeped out?" Damien yelled from the end of the hallway, by the bathroom door. "Totally not fair Katie! Listen to this: T**t, C**p, S**t, F**k. How unfair is that? It's completely unfair!" He stuck his foaming toothbrush back in his mouth, and walked back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Mika, we're living with someone very strange... We need to go shopping tomorrow."

"That asshole stole my Lucozade!"

"It's his now... We'll have to start buying things separately for him."

"For him? He's been haunting you for most of your life!"

The door opened and Damien walked back in the room in his pyjamas, Lucozade in hand and making sure they could see him. Katie blushed a little bit whilst Mika glared at him with all he was worth. Damien unscrewed the bottle and took a small swig, smiling happily as he felt the fizziness went through his body. "Well put Katie, and for the record asshole: My name is Damien, not Toby. No idea where that lil' fucker is but he's been around... If anything bad happens, you should know it wasn't me. Unless of course something bad happens to Mika – then it was me – because you annoy me."

He walked over to Katie and gave her a hug, waving the Lucozade bottle behind her back at Mika. He stuck his tongue out and flipped him off before letting go of the woman walking out with a wave. "Sweet dreams Katie! Happy nightmares Mika!"

"Goodnight Damien!"Katie shouted after him, waving.

"Fuck off outta this house!" Mika gave him the middle finger and Katie punched his arm.

"Love ya Katie! Take your own advice!" Damien yelled from the end of the hallway beside his door. He was about to open the door when the attic opened and he heard a demonic voice.

"_Daaammmmiiieennnn..."_

"Going to sleep, don't bother me." He opened the door and slammed it behind him, hugging his Lucozade happily.

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**Next Chapter: Katie gets dragged down the stairs. Was it Damien or "Toby"? Was there a reason or not?**

Waddup my Unicorns?

Stay tuned!

Remember to review, tell me what you think.

Any paranormal scenes that you want Damien to make funny?

Hope you enjoyed!

Have a fabulous day!

_~TheFalseProphet666~_

: )


	2. Paranormal Activity 1 (Part Two)

Damien rolled over in the bed and smiled to himself, happy to actually have a bed and not having to take the couch for another night. It was about 2:15 in the morning so he'd just woken up **(Just so we are all clear, Damien sleeps through the day. He's nocturnal because of the Devil's Hour [1]) **He buried his face further into the soft pillow and pulled the blankets up further. "I love you bed, you understand me..." He began to drift off to sleep again when his stomach decided to make a noise like a baby whale calling Mother for milk. He frowned and curled up. "No, I'm not hungry... Fuck it, I want some crisps and I want them now!

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"Aww muther f***er, really? Why the hell are the crisps so damn high?" Damien complained to himself as he reached for the multi-pack of crisps on the top shelf of the highest cupboard. "Come on, you mean things! I just want some Salt and Vinegar crisps. Gimme!" Of course he could just float up and get them, but that never comes to mind.

Damien straightened himself and fixed his black suit, sorting out his short hair with calculating blue eyes. The spirit of the Anti-Christ was stuck as his 14 year old self of 1978 **(A/N: Omen 2, look it up. Jonathan Scott-Taylor be damn fine)**and could never figure out why people put their cupboards up so high, it certainly didn't suit the rest of the kitchen and it annoyed him to no end. "Guess I have no choice but to wake up Katie… Even though Mika is taller, he's a little bitch and forbid me if I ever ask that jerk for help! Case settled. Hmph!" He walked up the stairs as quickly and quietly as possible.

Damien thought about what would happen if Katie didn't come at her will and the fact he may have to drag her down the stairs. "Damn... She might get hurt. I'm a gentleman; I have to make sure she feels as little pain as possible. Yes, that I do!" He ran back down the stairs and into the outdoors. A few minutes later, what does he emerge with? Why, a giant water slide and memory foam mattresses of course! What were you thinking?

He put the mattresses accordingly down the stairs before setting up the water slide on top of them, making water appear with a snap of his fingers and a smile. He clapped his hands together before swiftly changing into his swimming shorts. **(This guy just has everything at the ready, doesn't he?) **

He swaggered into the room, noticing the camera was still there and his shadow showed on the door, "Dammit, that f***ing camera. Wait! Are my cuss words still being bleeped out? F**k! S**t, this sucks…" Damien pulled the covers. "Katie… Psst! Katie." He pushed the covers off her completely. "Katie!" She groaned and rolled closer to Mika whilst Damien huffed at the scene. "Oh, so you're going to ignore me? I don't think so, cuddling up to that d**k so you can't get me some crisps. That's so ratchet!" He grabbed her ankle and pulled her slowly off the bed, the woman hit the floor with a quiet 'thud'. Damien looked down and raised a brow. "You're still sleeping? Dayum!"

He began to drag her out of the room when she woke up and kicked wildly, "Honey, really? Come on, I just want some crisps!"Damien gave a hard yank, putting her in position and pushed her down the water slide and smiled gleefully when she actually enjoyed the ride, he followed soon after, splashing her with water before taking her hand and pulled her gently, trying to get her to go to the kitchen.

"Mika! You gotta come see this!" She yelled again and Damien rolled his eyes, unhappy that she wanted Mika to have a go and he tugged a bit harder, causing her to look down at him.

"Damien... Is that you?"

"Yes."

"What you want? It's –" She checked the time, "2: 30 in the morning."

"I'm hungry and I can't reach the crisps. I'm very sorry for waking you but at least I made it fun." He made himself visible and hung his head. He felt Katie gently pat his head and he looked up to find her smiling softly.

"Oh Damien, why didn't just say so? Of course I'll get them for you and let's put them somewhere you can reach shall we?" He threw his arms around her waist in a hug.

"Thank you!"

"No problem." She took his hand and they walked to the kitchen. He sat on the counter as she pulled the crisps down and she frowned. "Why did Mika put them so high?"

"Because he doesn't like me." Damien stated and Katie made a 'good point' face.

"How's about you go clean up the stairs whilst I put these away? You want them in a bowl?"

"Yes please, can I have the Salt and Vinegar ones?"

"Of course you can sweet heart. Now go clean up." She ordered playfully and he giggled before swiftly cleaning up, also making time to tidy the garage. He ran back into the kitchen to find Katie had put all the packets in a large bowl, holding it in her left hand and she was holding a smaller one in her right. She shot him a little wink before gesturing to the stairs, silently telling him to go to his room. Damien walked up the stairs and watched as Katie followed, not letting him see what was in the smaller bowl and he pouted, finding it very unfair.

"Katie, lemme see!"

"The best things are either free or a surprise..."

They walked to his door, he opened it and gestured for her to enter first, holding it open as she walked in. **(Remember, he's a gentleman.) **He closed the door and sat on the bed with her. She handed him the bowl of crisps and he placed it on the bedside table and watched the woman as she handed him the smaller bowl. He looked at the contents, gasping happily. She had bought him Strawberry Laces.

"I love these things!" He quickly put them beside the crisps and hugged her tightly. She wrapped her arms around his spirited body as he allowed her to touch him. She smiled as he happily rubbed his face into her shoulder.

"I'm glad you do, I'll buy them every week if you're a good boy."

"I'll be the best! Wait..." A thought came to his mind and he pulled away to look her in the eyes, "Are you adopting me?"

"I don't see why not if you want me too, you're a good boy and you haven't caused any trouble. I let you have this room and I like you. You can be my son if you want."

"Yay!" He hugged her again and little tears filled his eyes, "I have a Mummy!"

Katie realised that this little boy needed a Mother-figure and probably didn't even remember who his Mother was. She tucked him into bed and kissed his forehead. "Yes, Mummy says it's time for you to be in bed. You want me to turn on the T.V?"

"Yes please, I don't sleep at night."

She turned it on and gave him the remote, "There's DVD's in the living room and in our room if you want them."

"Thank you. Goodnight Mummy."

"Goodnight Damien." She got up and left, waving him goodbye and he smiled happily.

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It was 2: 50 when Katie returned to bed and she fell asleep quickly with a smile, knowing her son was happy. The night was peaceful minus the quiet sound of Damien watching TV coming through the door. Katie rolled over and held the pillow closer to her; everyone was unaware of the Monster entering her room.

It pulled the covers off her foot and grabbed her ankle, yanking her hard off the bed and she awoke, gripping the door frame. "Mika! Help me!" She yelled as her leg was pulled harshly and her hands were ripped off the door frame. "MIKA!" Katie yelled as she was dragged down the stairs, her whole body beginning to hurt.

"Katie?!"Mika jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs to see something dragging his girlfriend around. "Damien! Let her go asshole!" He yelled and he heard a door whack open and the sound of someone running to the top of the stairs.

"LET MOTHER GO!" It was Damien, voice full of rage and authority. Running down the stairs and passed Mika. "LET HER GO!" Her leg was dropped and the sound of something scuttling away into the airing cabinet reached everyone's ears. Damien made himself visible and helped Katie stand up, "Are you alright Mother?"

"I think so but my ribs hurt: Bad!"

"They're probably bruised," He felt her ribs, "But not broken. Oi, Mika! Make yourself helpful and carry her back to bed, I don't have the strength." Mika took her in his arms and walked up the stairs, Katie watched Damien as he stayed downstairs with fury burning in his eyes as he stared at the cabinet. She watched until she was in the bedroom, in the bed whilst Mika shut the door.

"The fuck was that Katie?"

"It was Toby... The one who haunted me as a child, so don't even try to blame Damien. We'll talk all together tomorrow, so go to sleep."

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**Next Chapter: Film – Woman in Black: The real reason the three girls jumped out the Window and died.**

**Idea suggested by: Jinseiwakurai- Shouganai **

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Waddup my Unicorns!

**[1] – The Devil's Hour starts at 3:07 am and paranormal things usually start happening around that time.**

Remember to review! Tell me what you think and any ideas you have!

Do you have a scene that you want Damien to make funny?

Hope you enjoyed!

Have a fabulous day!

_~TheFalseProphet666~_

: )


	3. Woman In Black

**SHOUT OUT TO JINSEIWAKURAI-SHOUGANI FOR THIS SCENE! LOVE YA MA UNICORN!**

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Damien stood up and brushed his suit off, pursing his lips as he looked at his surroundings. All the buildings seemed to fit in with the Victorian Era but everything was so quiet and he could see anyone tossing piss buckets out their windows, for some odd reason this saddened him. "Okay: Confused! I'm in a life-sized version of Model Village or some crazy shit like that because what I'm looking at is so not okay on so many levels." He heard the sound of other voices and turned around, "Yay! Other people! Hello friends!" He waved happily and they all got a very scared expression, swiftly running into their house. Damien's mouth formed a 'o' shape and his brow furrowed, leaning back slightly, "That was just straight up rude! You people are a disgrace to humanity and to yourselves! I'll be expecting you all in Hell..." He murmured the last sentence to himself with a chuckle and rubbed his hands together.

He sat on a bench and watched people pass, all of them staring at him like he was the most interesting thing in the World. He looked down at himself and his eyes widened, _'I'm in my body again! I'm not a spirit! Guess I must be though if this all the way back and I wasn't born yet.' _He thought to himself and looked back up, watching everyone pass. Eventually, a pair of young women walked up to him, one blond and the other brunette, and decided to be friendly. Damien smiled and gestured to the spaces either side of him, "Please, sit down. It very wrong for such beautiful women to have their feet hurt from standing where it is not needed." They both blushed and nodded, making him smirk to himself. _'Smooth move Damien, you still got the knack...' _They followed his request after sending each other a grin he recognised to well.

"Thank you, kind Sir." The blond one said, tucking hair behind her ear.

"Please: Call me Damien."

"Okay then..." She leaned forward, pushing her cleavage together... Despite the fact there wasn't much to look at, "Anything you want, Damien." He felt the brunette lean against his shoulder and he smiled at them both.

"So, I must ask: Are you names as pretty as your faces?" They both laughed gently and the blond spoke first.

"Sofia."

"I'm Christine." The brunette spoke after and Damien gave a fake smile.

"Perfect names... How old are you both? I'm 16 years of age." Which wasn't true, but he definitely passed for a 16 year old, possibly even older if he gave the right look. They looked at each other with gawping expressions and he raised a brow. "I'm sorry, I'm a gentleman and you should never ask a lady their age. I apologize deeply."

"No need to apologize, Damien." Sofia spoke slowly, twirling a piece of hair around her index finger, shooting him a little wink and he refrained from vomiting. "Christine and I are twins, we're both 15. Turning 16 tomorrow."

"Lovely, do you know where I could find a place to stay for the night?" He asked sweetly and Christine's eyes sparkled.

"Yes! You can stay with us and our three sisters! I'm sure Mother won't mind!" She stood up and took his pale hand, her sister quickly following and taking his other hand, both pulling him up gently and running gracefully to their house.

Out of the corner of his eyes, there was a tall woman dressed in all black with a black veil over her face and Damien frowned, knowing this woman was dangerous.

The two girls continued to run with him happily, having no idea what awaited them.

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Damien had been in the house for about two hours and he felt like he was forgetting something... But what was it? He walked into a room to find it full of dolls and three little girls sitting in the middle of the room, playing 'tea party'. He knocked quietly and they all turned around, eyes widening and jaws dropping at the beautiful teen before them. He smiled cutely and knelt beside them, "Hello there, my name is Damien. Can I join you?" The one with Ginger hair smiled.

"Sure! My name is Rose. These are my sisters: Adela and Jemma." Rose pointed to each sister as the names were said and Damien smiled at them, kissing their hands one at a time. He looked down at the little tea party before grinning happily at the girls.

"Those are very beautiful names girls, what are we doing at this little get together?"

Adela smiled and blushed happily, "Well, we're having a tea party with our friends." She gestured to the dolls and Damien gently shook each small hand.

"Well, how do you do little ladies? What are your names?"

Jemma smiled, "The blond one with curly hair is called Adele, the one with brown straight hair is called Jemima and the one with wavy red hair in ponytails is called Rosella." Damien smiled, but it faltered when the girls went from beaming to blank, all standing up. He followed suit, eyeing them with concern. He stepped back when the girls walked forward, smashing the set and the dolls underfoot as they walked toward the window.

"Jemma? Adela?" No answer and Damien creased his brow before running to the window, putting on the lock and closing the curtains. "Rose?" They stayed blank and he back up against the window, knowing what would happen if he moved. "Girls, what's happening?" He remembered the dolls and he realised the dolls represented the three girls he wanted to protect. The dolls were smashed, completely destroyed and Damien dawned something that made him choke. The girls were going to die today, not matter what he did to stop them.

They reached him and he pushed the curtains away, unlocking the window and pushed it open. He pulled the three young girls into a hug and let tears fall onto them. "Goodbye girls, I'll never forget you. I hope you make it to Heaven. In fact, I'll come with you..." He let them go and turned around, all of them standing in a neat line before they stepped off. Damien closed his eyes as he hit the floor, hearing the crunching of the girls as they smashed like the dolls whilst he came off undamaged. Opening his eyes, he felt sick at the sight of blood and bodies of little girls who he loved so quickly.

He suddenly felt a presence on the window and he stood, slowly turning around to see the Woman in Black from before, standing on the window sill and he prepared to move fast.

Suddenly, she came down fast like a Vampire and he bent back as a fist came quick, aimed at his face. They stood not a meter from each other, staring at each other. One with a tear-stained face, the other's face veiled over. Damien raised his brow at his victory, "Matrix move! Ha! Neo in the house, up in here!" He yelled and a low growl emitted from the woman's throat, to which he stuck out his tongue.

She pointed to the bodies and his gaze followed, his smile vanishing as the girls came back to his sight. He felt her move behind him and her hand placed on his shoulder. She leaned forward to whisper in his ear, "Happy Birthday, Anti-Christ." Then she was gone.

Damien's eyes filled with a dull light and he looked up to the sky as rain began to pour. He smiled with emptiness, "Of course, that's what I forgot, it's my birthday today..."

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**Next Chapter: Film – The Omen 2  
**

**Plot: What happens when Damien meets Mark again?**

**Suggested by: Me. This one is my idea.**

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Waddup my Unicorns?

I admit; I choked up a little bit whilst writing this one.

I'm sorry if this one isn't as funneh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAMIEN! It is the 6th of June and Damien's B-Day!

**Idea Suggestion: Jinseiwakurai-Shougani**

Remember to review and tell me what you think!

Do you have a scene you want Damien to make funny?

Tell me!

Hope you enjoyed!

Have a fabulous day!

_~TheFalseProphet666~_

_: )_


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